[text] THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD

[text] I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.

[text] I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.

[text] the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?

[text] He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look

[text] I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.

[text] Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?

[text] Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex

[text] was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??

[text] They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.

[text] New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.

[text] Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.

[text] its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight

[text] I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life

[text] At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.

[text] It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.

[text] You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.

[text] 'go have sex with her' does not count as wingman

[text] someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless

[text] You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.

[text] Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you

[text] Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?

[text] Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??

[text] You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.

[text] Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation